Ozzy Went Missing, Found at the Crystal Corner Bar

Tabloid headlines worldwide over the weekend were reporting that Sharon Osbourne, wife of Ozzy Osbourne of heavy metal fame, had kicked the British rocker out of the house. She has accused her husband of 33 years of having an affair with his hairstylist, 45-year-old Michelle Pugh – a stylist living in Los Angeles.

Then, on Monday, various media outlets were reporting that Ozzy was missing. His wife supposedly told reporters that he was not at home and he hasn’t been seen in the neighborhood either. As time went by without Ozzy’s return home, media speculation was fueled.

Ozzy Turns Up in Madison, WI

Despite rumors of divorce, Ozzy was still wearing his wedding ring when spotted at the Crystal Corner Bar on Willy Street commiserating with the locals. “He’s been drinking Arnold Palmers all day” said Geezer Butler, a regular at the bar, “That guy can sure hold his iced tea.”

“He’s all broken up over being thrown out by his wife”, said Will Ward, another Chrystal Corner Bar regular. “And it doesn’t help that everyone thinks he’s drinking again.”

All the patrons at the bar confirmed that Osbourne was drinking Arnold Palmers all afternoon. They said that he came in disheveled and mumbling but really attracted the attention of everyone when he ordered a “Woosnam Refresher”. Frustrated that neither the bartender nor anyone at the bar had ever heard of the alcohol-free drink, he went on to describe how to make one. Upon recognizing the ingredients, everyone in the bar, almost in unison shouted, “Arnold Palmer!”

“He spent the better part of the afternoon drinking Arnold Palmers and arguing that the drink was originally named after the great British golfer, Ian Woosnam”, said Tony Iommi, a temporary bartender filling in for the regular guy who had called in sick.

Apparently no one really recognized him at the bar until he started complaining that people think he has fallen off the wagon. Osbourne mentioned openly in the bar, “I told E! News that I have been sober for three-and-a-quarter years.” It was then that one of the guys sitting at the bar recognized him.

We at Spoofing Willy are pretty sure that Ozzy had no affair with this woman. It’s clear to us that he has not been anywhere near a hair stylist in quite some time. Just sayin…

Sharon, on the other hand missed Monday’s episode of “The Talk.” Her co-host Julie Chen said (via People Magazine which was quoting TMZ reporting on an article that appeared in Page Six, a New York Post publication) that, “There were many tabloid headlines this weekend about Sharon and her husband Ozzy, rumors and speculation that they have split up after 33 years of marriage. She’s just taking some time. She has the PTO accumulated.”

Apparently, a rep for “The Talk” declined to comment on when Sharon would be returning to the show.

This article did not originally appear in the London Daily Express

In a related story:

The Birmingham (England, not Alabama) Mail reported that police are still looking for a missing Ozzy Osbourne lookalike. AugusteOzzy Too Dupin, a spokesman for the West Midland Police, said the department is appealing to the public for help in finding the Ozzy Osbourne lookalike – who went missing the day before the Black Sabbath frontman’s birthday. This photo was distributed to all the usual outlets.


Leave a Reply